New to Java

Hello, everyone. I am completely illiterate with java, but not so new to programming in general. In all my classes, when I'm bored, I write games onto a TI calculator, and having a lot of fun with that, I decided I want to learn some computer programming.

However, I am completely incompetant when it comes to this, and I can't do some of the stuff in some of the most basic tutorials I have found. Can someone give me a step-by-step way to get java onto my computer (windows XP) and open so I can start typing? I can take it from there.

When I say incompetant, I mean incompetant. Pretend I'm as computer illiterate as your grandmother.

Thanks.